Sexuality and Femininity: I’m A Girl and I Look like One. Deal with It

I’m very open about my sexuality. I’m not throwing it in people’s faces, but if it comes up in conversation I’m not going to hide it. I’m not afraid of how people will react to it. That said, however, if I hear one more person say “Really? I’d never have pegged you for it . . . .” or, “You don’t really look the type . . . ,” I will scream. What am I supposed to look like? How am I supposed to act?

Maybe I should start with my appearance.

I’m a petite hourglass, with big eyes, full lips, and long dark hair. I’m very pretty. I’m no butch by any stretch of the imagination. I could cut my hair short, but it looks better long. I also wear men’s clothes, but you’d never guess; I seem to make it all look feminine no matter what I do. And believe me, I’ve tried.

I suppose I’d be called a femme bisexual. Except that I’m not. A femme, that is.

Personality-wise, I’d say I’m definitely a girl, but I wouldn’t say I’m that feminine. I’ve been called a tomboy. This seems apt. I get along better with men. They make sense to me. Women I find fairly confusing, but it doesn’t stop me. I like cars, games, and playing soccer with my friends (when I can get them together). But I also like shopping. When I was a kid I played with Barbie dolls and Tonka trucks. With dress ups and Lego. I preferred to run around outdoors than to sit and play school. I’m fairly well-balanced.  

I wear heels and corsets. I wear men’s shirts. I wear men’s and women’s deodorant. I like jeans. I never wear skirts or dresses. Ever.

I don’t wear makeup. I don’t spend more than ten minutes on my hair. I don’t like gossiping. I’ve never learnt how to dye my own hair. I don’t do my nails. I’d prefer to get together with my best friend and try to slaughter her on Halo than chat about boys, or girls, for that matter. I live in a share-house with two guys and I’m probably messier than both of them. They do most of the cooking too, while I watch TV or play Nintendo Wii.

Do I sound like a femme?

I don’t like labels. I’m just me. I can’t help what I look like. And I don’t think my appearance suits my personality. I don’t like being looked down on by some lesbians because I appear so inherently female. What am I supposed to say?

Sorry about the genetics?

I don’t like the stereotypes. That lesbians (and bisexuals) must look butch. It’s like my sexuality is being called into question just because of how I look. And I don’t appreciate it. I know who I am. I’m not questioning, experimenting, or trying to get extra attention from men. And I don’t want to have to change my appearance in order for my sexuality to be taken seriously. That’s not fair. I’m sick of being looked at incredulously when people find out that I’m bisexual just because I apparently don’t look like I’d be ‘that way’.

Well what am I supposed to look like? I’m a girl and I look like one. Deal with it.

Coming Out – What NOT To Do

Coming out. It’s a really difficult thing to do, at any time in a person’s life. One hopes that common sense (and a little good luck) would prevail . . . But I’ve heard these stories too many times.

In light of that . . .

. . . When coming out to your family, or friends, or people you know, here’s a list of things NOT TO DO:

–          Don’t get caught making out with your girlfriend/boyfriend. RE: Noah!

I can hear a chorus of ‘DUH!’, but you have no idea how often this happens. It happened to me! And trying to explain that one away is like getting caught red handed nicking the original Faberge Egg from a maximum security gallery – no matter what you say, everyone still knows exactly what you’re up to.

–          Don’t get caught having sex with your girlfriend/boyfriend

See above. Just with more shock and possibly a heart attack.

–          Don’t be extremely vague. If you’re serious about coming out, you want the person/people you’re coming out to, to know exactly what you mean when you tell them you like girls/boys/both.

You don’t want to find yourself in a sticky situation later having to correct them. It’s scary enough as it is. Get it right the first time. Of course, even if you come out with simply ‘I’m gay’, it’s still possible you could get stuck with someone’s arm around your shoulder going “Oh, I’m so glad you’re happy . . .”

“Ah, that’s not what I meant . . .”

Be clear, be explicit. Say it more than once. Say it in several ways.

–          Don’t come out as an attempt to shock someone.  Or to shut them up.

Your moment of satisfaction will last about as long as the expression on their face will. Then reality sets in. Do not do this.

–          Coming out on the spur of the moment, with little time for discussion probably isn’t a great idea.

Unless the world is ending, or it’s a life or death situation, it’s probably better to plan and leave enough time to talk about it.

Of course, if the world is ending then go ahead, more power to you.

–          Don’t come out in the car. Or if someone is operating machinery. Or cooking. Or doing anything involving sharp and/or dangerous implements.

You and everyone else want to have your limbs by the end of the conversation.

–          Don’t leave your sense of humour behind.

You might need it. I’ve heard many coming out stories, and a lot of them involve humour. Sometimes it can help to lighten an awkward situation.

–          Don’t skip school with your other half and almost/get caught involved in sexual activity illegally on public property in full view of some randoms and have the police called by your school because you’re skipping who catch you and inform the school who call to inform your parents.

If that one sounds personal it’s because it is. Don’t let it happen. It’s not the way you want to come out.

–          Don’t come out if your not ready.

You might wonder if you can ever be ready for something like that, but it’s important to wait until the right time for YOU. You’ve had to deal with your own emotions, and when you make your announcement you will have to deal with everybody else’s as well. Whether they react well or not, it will be emotional. Make sure you are ready. Make sure you accept yourself before you ask everyone else to.

Not For Separate Sale – You And Your Self-Acceptance

There is nothing more difficult in this world than being different. Except that we’re all different. And that makes life really hard. But what do you do when you’re different in a way that you think people might not accept – especially people you care about. I think that’s a reality for so many people. Being homosexual . . . gay . . . whatever passes for the most accepted politically correct term today . . . it can be so difficult to work through that. To one day find that suddenly you don’t know who you are.

And there’s nothing that can prepare you for what that feels like. For how terrifying it is to not feel like you, to lose that understanding, and the trust you have in yourself. It’s especially scary if you have no one to turn to who you think can understand, when you don’t understand yourself. And when you come to terms with it, when you can accept it, and love yourself for who you are; you know you have to go through telling other people. No one wants to keep something like that a secret, hiding it away inside, afraid of what people will think.  You know what you went through trying to accept yourself, feeling like you didn’t know you anymore. And you think that’s what everyone else is going to feel when you tell them. And sometimes you might be right. Being different is terrifying.

With that in mind, it occurred to me the other day what it might be like to be a transgender/transsexual person. I think it’s a similar yet completely opposite experience.

It would be similar because you’re confused, not knowing who you really are, not being able to turn to anyone to explain what you’re feeling – because maybe you don’t even know what you’re feeling. But wouldn’t it also be the complete opposite? Because it would mean knowing exactly who you are . . . except that the person you see when you look in the mirror isn’t who you are. It’s not foreign, it’s the body you’ve had your whole life, but it’s just not you. Your physical being isn’t who you really are inside.

You can see your reflection and no matter what your opinion is of it – whether you think you’re good looking or whatnot – it doesn’t make a difference, because it doesn’t represent who you are. You can’t see yourself in the version of you that everybody else sees. The real you is trapped inside this body that isn’t. And people are treating you in certain ways, treating you how you would be treated because you’re that gender. Except you’re not. Not inside. And you feel awkward and uncomfortable every time it happens and you want to scream at people to stop treating you that way, only you can’t. Because they couldn’t possibly understand.

I don’t know which situation would be more frightening, because either way, you can’t change. Everyone says ‘be brave’. But it’s so hard to be brave when faced with so much fear – yours and other peoples. Knowing from the beginning that the only solution to unhappiness is to accept yourself for who you are – on the inside and the outside – doesn’t help, especially when you don’t want to. When you want to be normal. But there is no normal. And that’s what everyone forgets. There’s only being you, or trying to be like somebody else. And it’s better to be yourself, and accept yourself. Because you never know how strong and special you really are until you can says these words:

I love you.

To yourself.

And true love is unconditional.

Just a little insight.

Luke&Noah Lesson 2 – Friendships and Foundations

Sometimes a beautiful friendship can start off on the rockiest of foundations – like when you make a complete jerk of yourself in front of someone you barely know.

We’ve all done it. Come on, admit it. You’ve been annoyed. You’ve been having a bad day. Or maybe you’re just a jerk – I wouldn’t know, I don’t know you. Either way, you’ve snapped at someone you just met. Oops. Maybe you’re lucky enough to have your own Maddie around to smooth things over, or perhaps you’re not that lucky. Either way, trying to be nice from that point on will probably prove that you’re not the world’s biggest douchbag, and a heartfelt apology wouldn’t go array either (just don’t get creepy). Hey, they might forgive you for your display of arrogant grouchiness and decide that spending time in your company might not be the suck fest they originally thought. You never know, you may well become fast friends, and perhaps something more. You might even get your own Noah.

Luke&Noah Lesson 1 – Avoiding Someone You Like

Avoiding Someone You Like and Hoping Desperately That Your Attraction Will Go Away DOESN’T WORK

Trying to avoid someone you’re attracted to in the hopes of crushing that attraction is a surefire way to make yourself unhappy, make other people feel hurt (namely the person you are avoiding), and make everything awkward for yourself and others. Being honest about your feelings is probably the best way to go, because once it’s all out in the open it can make it easier to move on. The more you keep it all inside and dwell on it the worse things will get for you. If that’s not an option, focusing on other important things and hanging out with other friends could help. And hey, if you hide away your feelings you might just miss out on a great opportunity.

Luke was lucky, but the reality is that not everybody is going to be (it sounds awful, but I have been in this situation) and you just have to make the best of it. Being honest with yourself, with others if you want to, and getting on with your life is the best thing to do.

The New Political Correctness – A Recipe For Confusion

You can be bisexual, or you can be a bisexual. You can be gay, but nobody says you are a gay. Or you can be a lesbian, but no one says you are just lesbian. And then there’s the word ‘gay’. It’s used to describe homosexual men. Yes. But it is widely used by both sexes simply to describe themselves as homosexual, not just men. I’m bisexual and I sometimes say ‘yes, I’m gay’, just because it’s easier. Lots of people do, not just in real life, but also on TV. Is this politically incorrect? And why do all these terms differ in use? Is anyone else still confused?

I’ve been out for almost two years now and I still have to think about what I’m saying to make sure it doesn’t come across as offensive – even when I’m referring to myself! I know my gay friends (of both sexes) have the same problem. No one wants to be politically incorrect or rude, but nobody knows what the right terms are! It might not matter around my friends, but I’m pretty sure that everyone has accidentally slipped up at some point, no matter what sexuality, and I’m sure we’d all like a bit of clarity.

When referring to a couple, does one say a ‘gay couple’, ‘lesbian couple’, or does one not differentiate at all and simply say the ‘couple’? And in my case is ‘lesbian couple’ the right term when I’m in a relationship with another girl? Because I’m not a lesbian and I hesitate to use that terminology when referring to my relationship – it seems misleading. I’d say ‘gay couple’ in reference to myself (and if anyone’s getting confused, I’m right there with you. In this case I mean homosexuals in general, not gay men), despite the fact that used in that context it still doesn’t quite make sense because I’m not completely gay, even though I do sometimes refer to myself that way.

It’s probably just as difficult for all my friends when they try to discuss my relationships, what do they call them? And what if they can’t just say the ‘couple’ and have to differentiate between whether I’m with a guy or a girl at the time? What then? It can’t be called a bisexual relationship either way. Because what if I’m with a lesbian? The term wouldn’t apply. And if I’m with a guy? Do the terms not apply at all, and it just be called a ‘normal’ relationship? Wouldn’t that be kind of offensive though, like saying that lesbian and gay relationships aren’t normal?* And if I’m with a bisexual girl or guy, can it then be called a bisexual relationship? Do other bisexuals have this problem? (Notice I didn’t say other gays, because I’m fairly sure that is an offensive use of that term. For some reason. My head hurts)

And let’s not even get into the use of the term ‘lifestyle’, because that’s so inaccurate it’s not even funny. As if people’s sexuality is a choice (scoffs).

It’s no wonder everyone is confused. Each group and community has its own set of terms, most which only that community can use. I know for a fact that a lot of lesbians refer to themselves as ‘dykes’, used as a kind of affectionate term. But if anyone who isn’t a lesbian calls them that it’s immediately offensive. (I know this, I dated a lesbian who referred to herself as a dyke, but I wasn’t allowed to call her that because I’m bisexual not a lesbian). The there is the term ‘queer’. Where I come from, it still retains its negative connotations and is rarely used. However, in other areas – of Australia, and the world – it is quite an accepted term.

Lately it seems as if the term ‘homosexual’ is losing favour because of negative connotations. Not where I come from, it’s just a word to me. I’ll just have wait and see what happens with that one. In most situations it seems as if the only way to work out what terminology to use for someone is to ask them what they prefer. Of course, a lot of people don’t want to ask – nobody wants to come across as ignorant. Its one thing to come across as ignorant if you’re straight;* it’s another thing to come across that way if you’re not.

Where is the consistency??!!!!

What if it’s a transgender person in a relationship? And what if they aren’t with another transgender/transsexual person? What is that relationship called? What if you’re pansexual? Do we need to create whole new terms to describe these situations now? Because it’s becoming increasingly difficult to be clear and explicit without putting one’s foot in it, or being accidently rude. Being bisexual, I still have these problems. It seems to me that not being able to state with clarity the nature of my own relationships is a recipe for disaster. It’s not as if I need to all the time, but occasionally clarity is required, and I need to be able to confidently provide it. So, as an out and proud bisexual, I ask these two questions.

DO bisexuals need their own terms to describe their relationship status?

and

DO we just need a whole new set of terms for gay relationships in general? Do we need new vocabulary? Or do we simply need some consistency?

Because we definitely need some clarity, especially when it comes to what is politically correct, and what is not.

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*I don’t think this at all. I believe that all relationships are normal and equal and it doesn’t matter what sexuality or gender a person is or that of whom they are with.

*No offense meant to any heterosexuals, but in my own personal experience an ignorant straight person is less likely to be despised than an ignorant homosexual simply because they aren’t immediately expected to understand.

Western Australia – A Lonely State For The Not-So-Straight

 

Western Australia seems to lack substantially in places to go to meet and hang out with members of the LGBT community. I’ve moved around a bit, and unfortunately left a fair few of my gay, lesbian and bisexual friends behind, so I’ll admit I’m feeling a teensy bit lonely right now. Sure, there are clubs and bars, but I don’t particularly feel like picking up at this point in time, I just want to hang out. WA seems to be a lonely place even if you are out and proud. My best friend is very straight, and while she’s amazing and I love her to bits, there are some things I just can’t talk to her about, because she just can’t understand. She can listen, but she can’t relate. There are so few options and opportunities in this state, and I cannot be the only person feeling this way.

 

I never seem to meet any not-so-straight people. Where is everyone? Are they all congregating in some secret place that I don’t know about? Where are all the people! I’ve googled and googled until I just can’t google any more, and there doesn’t appear to be any places to go or events happening any time soon.

 

There is the gay and lesbian film festival – which I am going to – but I don’t really think I’m going to meet anyone there. As far as I can see you go and watch the movie, then you leave. Unless I happen to accidently bump into someone and spill my popcorn, and get involved in an embarrassed discussion about the dangers of struggling to negotiate jumbo popcorn and drink and handbag and find a seat in the dark without incurring grievous injury and happen to hit it off with the poor unfortunate stranger (which would be funny, but in any event unlikely unless I was in a soap opera), then I think my chances of forming any sort of lasting acquaintanceship at the film festival are at a steady zero.

 

If anyone else has this problem please let me know. I have no gaydar, so I can’t tell who’s who and introduce myself. When it comes to most of the straight people I know, I’m the only gay person they’ve met. Which admittedly, kinda sucks. There is a vibrant LGBT community out there. So why can’t I seem to find them?